never even like friends



today was our school's open house and i went to find her. rui qi was doing maths for her class teacher? or something like this. magic. l o l. went up with mt and zk. saw her. and wow. she was loitering outside at the corridor instead of doing her magic. and up in my head i wonder. friends > me as a friend? if not why did not even reply me. then i walked over to her. immediately she goes. i want go in ler. bye bye bye bye bye. how many bye did she said. i do not know. over 10? am i even like a friend? if i am why can't we talk. afraid? nvm. after that rui qi went to jp. and wow. 2 hours plus. loitering there. not doing anything but shop. grats u got ur freedom. wondering how many guys caught the attention of you.

smsed her when she got home. and guess what? fell asleep. slow reply. nvm. i dun expect much. not like friends after all. wonder if she will give her close friends this excuse. went online. chat with her. behave like a jerk like how i was portrayed. got her irritated and i got proud of it. why? not meant for you to know. just wan to provoke you for a certain reason. chat half way she did not talk to me. when she finally find me back she told me talk to adeline. i asked and who esle she immediately tried avoiding th topic by saying

|l VoNz l| [Y.I.P.P rox]+-vOnLnIc-+itsnorttheend+ [[wo aii ni``]] woyaoshouhuzheni.. says:
ade sis sch so good

isn't that obvious that she is avoiding? but i still forced it out from her. and she happens to be chatting to?

|l VoNz l| [Y.I.P.P rox]+-vOnLnIc-+itsnorttheend+ [[wo aii ni``]] woyaoshouhuzheni.. says:
i dunnoe him tho. is last yr know one.

|l VoNz l| [Y.I.P.P rox]+-vOnLnIc-+itsnorttheend+ [[wo aii ni``]] woyaoshouhuzheni.. says:
erm. the one i know thru maple lo.

wow. cool. a online friend huh? how many more are there out there who are your online friends. do you feel guilty for keeping such things from me? probably not as it does not matters much. but what worse is. you confided in him. a guy you do not even know. a guy you knew just through maple. a guy whom find you to talk to you and which u willingly talk back to him. and to add on. you brought me in. why. why portray me as a fucking son of a bitch all the time. why talk bad behind me so many times. why. you eve dare to admit. that this is not the first time. remember andrew? who esle. ben? i dun really know. do not know why must there always be such boyfriends. why? why not girl friends. why always guys guys and more guys. even a guy known through maple whom you do not even know. stands at a higher status then me. if not. why stop talking to me just to reply adeline and him. and i do no even know his name. do you even feel guilty now. what if i confided in a stranger. a stranger you know. not some close friends. A STRANGER. will you get the same feeligns? will you feel jealous. and when asked why i said i nid some one to talk to. and that female stranger happens to talk to me. won you feel jealous? or do you even have any feelings for me left? yes i do confide in female friends. but that was like how long ago? why can't you just stick to pam. why go on a search for another good listener. why can't you just talk to me instead. can't. why? cause i just have that loser attitude? cause u hate me? or just simply because you don't wanna talk to me. i dunno. everytime you angry. be it msn phone maple sms. you just ignore me and keep saying bye repeatedly. or keep asking to hang up. or at most of the times. just hang up. why do you have every single chance to talk. but yet i do not.

you may say that i am overboard by threatening to add him and ask him to fuck off. but lol. guess what. you fell into my trap. this simply shows taht even as a online stranger , HE is more important then me. right? am i in any wrong to say that. guess not? i simply do not understand. why can't i be a friend as good as qi ming maybe? he's good right. or any other guy friends u have. i dunno. just a friend. why can't . you do not give them attitude or what. but why me. why still me. cause i don't change.? well. i hope you know. i am not a robot. as said by you. i can't change overnight. wan me to change? terminate my love for you then. then it will change. i wont care about you.

you said you will be happier if we are friends and is alerady happy that we are friends now. when asked why you can't tell me why. guess you just want to be happy and be yourself. then i suggestion to you is. stop loving me then. it's pointless when we love each other and can't be together while all i can do is sit down here. get jealoused attitudes angry at stuffs. no point. well. consider it? stop loving me then. end of your misery. and so you wont even have to tolerate me anymore. me and my nonsensical questions. well. consider ba. for i know. next monday. you answer will still be remain as friends. and i know. i won't take it. and i know. i still won't let you go. i will still pester you and be irritating. i will still disturb you. till the day i got what i wan.





















Rui Qi, ni ba wo gao de tuan tuan zhuang.
Dao di , ji shi wo chai hui gao xing.

why act a jerk. dumbass. -___-

love- it was never meant to be compared. so stop comparing and try accepting what you have.
yes you may alter what you have. but bear in mind. there will be consequences in some way or another.
just stop comparing me. me with other guys.
just stop comparing us. us with other couples.

friends? i never wanted to be friends.nevereverfriends. when u told me that u jus wanted to be friends. i have this sudden urge to scold you real bad. behave like a bad jerk (like how u portrayed me in fron of your friends `smiles`). making you hate me real bad. hating me. with that hatred you once carried for me. make your love for me fade. just like how that picture you drew fer me fades. hate me and scold me. and i will fade away too. but? i held back. and i do not know why. do not ask me. i just never wanted to be - just friends. i wanted more then friends.even more then steads. we are. right? dun u agree.? we been through much more normal teenager steads gone through. but. oh well .

fairness? have you ever been fair to me seriously? i just wanted time. remember? no? well i just wanted time. talk about fairness. i really do not see how you can tell me straight : ' yes i had been fair to you.' i almost fainted. yes. true. i dunno why you could even say so. diu de qi liang xin ma. and u said yes. oh lol. you said i maligned you lots. have you ever thought that you yourself are maligning me too? even when my dad maligns me. i told you about it. but no. you just kept on maligning me. i got forced to no where. do you know i went out? that night? and came home when they were asleep. you do not know. nvm. fairness. lolssssssssssssss. nvm,

freedom? will we really be together after i gave you freedom. will you be going overboard by going out late. wearing outrageously short skirts when out with friends. will you go out with a guy alone? will you go out at night all the time? will you know your limits? will you assure nothing bad will happen to you? yes i worry too much. but so? if it's not because of you. why the hell should i care? freedom? if only i can have your freedom and my happiness huh? once i said to make the person feel loved is to let her be happy and yet you just asked for your happiness. gg.igotpwned. if i gave it to you will i get what i wan? highly doubted. you will not spend time with me. predicted and proven by june holidays. yay? freedom. freedom! FREEDOM. why want so much freedom?

TIME - yea right time. i wan time. i just wan time with u. to be able to have lunch , watch a movie. stroll down the sandy beach. sit by the braekwaters. accompany u for shopping trips. accompanying me to look for my new sneakers. christmas with u alone. time with u everynight. in maple. msn. phone. sms. morning calls. lonely trips home with you laughing at me through my phone. tickling me on bus or mrt trips. time? sunset/sunrise. so much more things we can do. - if only we had time. i wish fer a day. you, will come up to me and say. hey dar, wanna go fer movie tomorrow with me? or um can u pei me go shopping. my friends not free. ok yes you did date me for lunch movies. yes. but please. stop the disappontment?

you: later you free?
me: free ba. why?
you:pei me go dinner?
me : ok ba when ? what time? where?
you: gp lor. 6.30
me: okay.
6.30 a call came in, you were on the line. " eh eh eh. you go out already? dun go out leh. i cannot accompany you for dinner ler. dad wans family dinner. sorry. "
me : ' uhh. ok. bye. nvm, '

how funny. do you know i already styled my hair? changed into new clothes? but nvm. i went to wash up after that call. am i stupid at tiimes.?

that sorry. was insincere. agree? talk about insincere apologies. look who won me. after every quarrel u start. u will go. dear. sorry. when i asked why. you said dunno. cause u said sorry to make me happy. and yes. talk about insincere apologies again.

freedom time fairness trust respect space

just how much of you can you give me? and how much of me can you accept?

' How could you have gone , when you are still in my heart? '

yea right. friends man. i hate it. ya. stupid.just wanted a shoulder. yea. held back. i already know it's the end. When you are still so happy. by just wanting to be. just friends. oh well. tell me on chalet? okay then. let me pass this 'test' period? mean while. pia ncc and maple and yes. poa. oh well.

so long nic. u are jus going to be friends. not NOW. but yea. SOON enough. well optimist? what if it was taken for sarcasm? *shivers* um. yea. so long-`

Block 826 Jurong West st81
#12-434
Singapore 640826

tel no: 679****8
email: nicol1990@hotmail.com

14 Oct 2005

Phui Rui Qi , Yvonne ( aka dar dar )
nIcLvon co.
Block 726 Jurong West st72
#02-***
Singapore 640726

Dear laopo.

you requested a report. so well. here it is although it's a little bit late. well, you won't notice anyway. ha-

Woke up in the morning wondering if i would still have a chance to bring her out today. she was fuming at me yesterday night and i know , that it will not be easy bringing her out today. But never the less. I asked her to accompany me to the beach today. And she agreed. =)

She went to school early in the morning for a chem? retest. she she came back, waited her to prepare before i walked over to under her block. Dear was wearing black top with white skirt. =\ Walked to take 242 and dear was complaining about yesterday. Right up till the mrt dear was complaining. sighs sorry.

Went up to wait for the a empty mrt to arrive. We wanted the corner sits but once the doors to the mrt was opened , those waiting for train rushes in like there would not be sit for them after we boarded. Did not get corner seats as we wanted but we still sat down.

Dear started complaining about her sore throat and how she has difficulty speaking. So she started playing hand signs games with me? She make funny gestures and made me guess what is she trying to convey to me. I must admit , her gestures are like so not clear. For example , she tried pointing at her own shadow. how lol~

When we reached. i went to mac to have my lunch as usual and we met a group of jurongville sec girls quarreling over 2 aunties of the usage of the macdonald computers. The girls shouted as if they owe the coms and what contradicts themselves is that they shouted : Wa lao , computer they buy de ar? Seriously, if you are so despo for a com, just go home and use your OWN com. then i dun freaking care if u shouts at YOUR house who bought the computer. well. none of my business.

Then walked with dear to the beach. Walked close to the beach and sat down at the bench which we later on moved to the break waters there. Was listening to her mp3 most of the time and we let the songs do the talking? lol. found out that she erally enjoys lying down on my leg. haha. But times passes quickly and we got to go as it was late already.

Brought her back to the underpass there and we walked to the main road and cabbed to jurong point. Bought sushi for dear and she went to get her baggute. dunno how spell. lol. Then took 242 back home and dere. the day ended. =(

Yours sincerely ,

Lim Li Wei ,Nicol

"Last but not least , my personal life. It was more than a roller coaster. There were more then just up and downs. The girl i am with taught me many important values in my life. But yet she could be the one who destroys my mood completely at times. We had been together for a very long time and she is starting to be part of me. Being the girl who changed the ' bad nicol' into the 'good nicol', she plays a important part in my life. For more then a year she had been helping me , therefore i had learnt how to be forgiving."

quoted from my own composition titled '2005' well. go now dear. time to let go after stealing your happiness for long enough.stay cheerul kay? be who you wan to be now. =) all the best in whatever you do. good luck in your bai ma wang zi. last but not least. continue the hatred for me please. AND forget me. sorry`