Tuesday, October 25, 2005

guilt runs in me. all the way from the top to bottom. what i feel is just guilt. pure guilty. for what i have done. sorry. forgive me. sigh. sorry. i was wrong to be fierce.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

i really don understand..
talk conditions..
is it wrg?
u noe wad is my intention?

i do not know what ur intentions are. that's why i do not understand why u need to talk conditions with me when all i want is for you to sleep.

each nite..
for the past one year..
aren't u the one who sleep later than me almost every nite?
jus wanted u to accompany me to slp at every nite.
jus wanted u to sleep early every nite..
u sae in a relationship..
dere shudn't be conditions..
in the past..
i cud rem.. i ask u sleep early..
u will sae ok..
in the end.. u also 1 plus or 12 plus den slp..
or even worse..
2 plus..

Yes. i agreed for the past 1 year i was the one who slept the latest everynight. but everytime all i want to do is see u sleep first before i go to sleep. some how this makes me feel assured that u are safe in bed le. it really give me that sense of assurance. and yes. in a relationship there erally should not be any conditions talking. this is our relationship. we decide what we want. not talk conditions and aim to get them. agree with me ma?

so.. i m wrg to talk conditions with u..
so.. i m wrg to want u to slp with me..

den.. u sae i nv listen to u?
many times u said tis eh?
everytime i auto will go eat myself..
everytime..
wad about u?
i said upmteen times..
sae til my saliva dry le..
u also wont listen..
i noe my dressing its still wad u dislyk..
but i m lyk tt..
how to change?
force me to wear long pants and skirts?
i can't do it..

you are not wrong to ask me to sleep with you. i have always wanted to sleep with you anyway. i know. i am the one who does not listen all the time. but nowadays i learn le right? i will auto abit le ma. your dressing. asking you to change is too much but at least you can wear a variety of clothes? mix and match? choose more conservative when with friends? i am not asking you to do so. but just some suggestions. you did listen to me. but only at times. don't you agree?

den u say i m petty..
yes.. i admit i m petty..
tis is cause i learn from u..
if u didn't noe..
u were petty in the past too..
i learnt from u..
and i accept it..
i noe myself i m petty..
so why sae i cant accept the fact?

yes you are petty to me. you are since after a period of time. i could notice this complete change in everything. just in you. everything in you changed. since then i have been suffering from the changes in your actions. if you can say that i was being petty since the start and you learnt from me. now i changed. why can't you change back with me? think that i have changed and i deserve to be given your best attitude? if you accept the fact that you are selfish. then why not take it as a reminder all the time that you know you are selfish and therefore you will prevent yourself from more of such petty actions? i am not stopping you from being petty. in fact i even want you to be petty. come on, i am a guy and i know being a girl it's even more alright to be petty. for example. you jealous i know de ma. and i got go do things about it. cause i already accepted that sense of pettiness in you le.

same goes for unforgiving..
i used to be forgiving last time..
but why now m i lyk tt..
its u who changed me..
u made me realised that i shudn't be as forgiving..
cos when i m too forgiving..
u take me for granted..
if u rem..
u used to ask for chances for many times b4..
and i accept tat i m unforgiving..
who saes i dont?

i know you aer once very very forgiving. i done lots of wrong things and all i asked for is can i have a new chance kinda thing. it's unfair to you as all u have been giving is chances chances and more chances. it's a natural thing u will learn to stop giving chances and be stricter? it's normal. if you keep doing wrong things and asked for forgiveness. after long i will start to think that you are a fake. you are not sincere at all. i know you have that kinda feelings for me. after all i am the one who asked for so much chances. i was the one for took away your trust for me right? it's alright to be less forgiving. BUT. am i still as bad? still asking for chances all the time? no? yes? if no le then should you not learn to go back to your old self. sigh. when you are reading this at this point of time. you will probably be thinking. nicol. you jerk. i am so disappointed in you. i completely lost my trust in you. i wont be with you together anymore. but.. before you do that. read on. let's clear up all of this misunderstandings. sigh.

in the noon..
i was reading the newspaper..
den it says..
don try to change the person..
instead..
change urself and adapt to him or her..
guess wad i was thinking at the point of time?
i wanted to tell u nort to change anymore..
instead let me adapt..

i totally agreed with that statement. remember once i said i will change to keep quiet all the time. i have quieten down alot. don't you think so? i do not go head on into quarrels anymore le. i face yout attitude with a different pov. really. i quiet down le. you told me not to change long ago but i still went ahead on tried to change. and i do not regret it. cause i can tell the quarrels now are much more better then last time. look on it from another side. i dun shout now le. right? i won't stop you from adapting. you can always try and i will support and help you. and on the other hand i can promise. you won't be the only one adapting.

but when i came back to my com..
W-O-W
wad did i see?
i saw tons of things u said about me..
and i felt dat..
why shud i be even giving in when u give me all those?
sumtimes u really hurt ppl without knowing..
i m petty now..
bear in mind..
i m no longer wad i was in the past..

i don't blame you for changing your idea of adapting so fast after all i did said things which are not good. i said those things which are demoralising. when i hurt you the pain is me is tims of those you feel. yes. you are not what u are in the past and i want you back. sigh.. sorry for those things i keep saying.

and its kinda demoralising when talking to u..
sumtimes.. u don even care wad u sae..
it may be a joking matter to u..
but i take it seriously thou..
times u make me feel inferior..
i also keep quiet..

it's not that i don't care. i care de lor. i care what i say. when i am angry i know qi hua can be harmful too. sorry for making you feel inferior. today we go out and u brought out fee see saying me gentle. i said she's the first to say that. you know how worried am i? i tried talking about other things. because i told myself. die le. i let dear feel jealoused again le. sigh. i apologise now. sorry.


well.. talking about keep quiet..
u keep sae i act..
i act dao..
i act wei da..
i act i act i act..
i jus wanted to minimise troubles..
can't u even realise tis point?
it wud be worst..
chaos..
if i say more things..
i sae i jealous..
we quarrel more..
i quarrel with u more..
more things happen..
and i may say til break again..

really. when i did not read your draft in this secret blog. i really still thought that you are just acting. know why i say so? cause everytime i know that you are keeping too much to yourself. i know you are really unhappy. but you just kept everything to yourself. you are too selfish. you won't let me know. you wont share with me. i know le. 1 year you have been hurted by me enough le. but don't you think you say out even better? you see now? you say you give me attitude. i dont even mind lor. dont you see? i can take your attitude le. so it's better if u say out everytime we quarrel. you say till break. i wont mind that too. after all you warned me before. all the times you say break. is fake de. and even if you asked for a fake patch. i will be the one holding on. =)

nowadays..
often enuff..
i don hav anyone to confide in..
often.. i feel lyk going to chat room..
to find sumone i can confide in..
but i noe..
u wont allow..
den..
pam..
i don dare find her anymore..
pat.. its imposssible..
rinx.. its impossible either..
adeline.. i troubled her too much..
others.. i don talk to them..
and i m left to be alone..
only this blog..
can i confide in..
at least..
u had ur frens..
and u can talk to pam..
me? i no longer have..
if one dae i were to find online frens..
den don blame me..
cos i cant take it anymore..
cant take it to keeping too much things..

yes i wont allow you to enter a chat room to tell a stranger about us. after all. they are strangers and i dont see why must you talk to them. friends. pamela. i have talked and asked for help too much from her. after what you told me about your thoughts towards her. i know to stop doing so. partly because what you told me. partly because i want this to be 'our' relationship. that we make our own decisions in this relationship. but not asking a 3rd party for help all the time. now i will stop talking to pam le. she wont talk to me too if i do not talk to her. trust your friend. trust her that when you talk to her she wont tell me things. this way bu jiu hao le lor. you can confide in her. you might be thinking i can't be selfish i can't let pamela stop talking to them. don;t worry my dear. i have eugene to confide in. what's more, pamela was your best friend to start with. just please don't go find an online friend. they are not good in my pov.


and i nv dare to tink my sacrifice its more than u..
u sacrificed the most..
i nv.. i don..
all i do is act big..
act..
i m a cheater. liar.

i never said that you did not sacrifice. i can see t hat you sacrifice alot lor. alot more then me. you cried more then i bleed. and i'm sorry for allowing you to feel so hurt because of me all the time. acting big? sigh. sorry. qi hua ba le. i know it's hard, but please don't take it to hard can? you a neither a cheater nor a liar. you are just what you are to me my angel. (:


its kinda sad..
dat i hav to act..
its ben's burfdae..
told me he wud be happy if i m happy?
told him dat its diff..
but..
sigh.. wad i did was act?
don wanna spoil ppl's mood..

ben? who's ben anyway? he has been mention alot of time in our relationship. he's like more then a god brother. what he mean if you happy he happy. sigh. he must have liked you.

yvonne..
don be too hard on urself..
move on..
cry finish le den forget..
no one noes either..
no one wud care either..
neither will he..
he will jus tink..
yvonne? aiya.. jus another show..

i know. i really know. as your stead i know you are shedding more tears then me all the time we quarrel. don't assume that i donno anything. sigh. i care. yvonne. it's not just a show all the time anymore. it's us. get it? the greatest impact of our lifes. each other. we have been through a year now. i know it's hard to believe me anymore. that i have read you blog's draft. but can you believe it's the first i have ever peeked at? sigh. if you do. thanks. if you dont. sorry i am. at least it cleared up the misunderstandings i hope. it's never a show yvonne. it's never one since i really fell for you since last year. it's just pure love. sorry. sigh. i won't blame you if you choose to end our relationship tomorrow.






















WO AI NI. <3 sigh



Friday, October 14, 2005

i just wanted some one to talk to when i am having troubles with my family.. nvm. nights.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

'i hate you.' what should i comment about this. i know you do not meant to. qi hua i guess. but? still it has it's effect on me.
i need time. where is my time. i just don't grumble anymore. you really thought you endured enough? you jealous alot of times yet kept quiet? how can that be put together with how i do not go head on into quarrels anymore? how i kept quiet in quarrels nowadays.
i know you kept quiet. but such things could not be compared. when you keep quiet. you expect the person to be happy. but when u kept quiet and u take it out to compare. then i already know that you are not happy. i tried to explain all the time. i really tried. and i do not know how to carry on every time you got angry during me explaining. sigh. 7 more days. wanted to bring you out yesterday. to see what you like. but? i did not have the chance to. what should i do. sigh. hopefully we can go out on friday. dun feel like blogging le.

you are
stillangry
stillunhappy
stillattituding
stillignoring.

i'm?
just keep quiet. trying my best to be optimistic like you told me to. =) but.? i even got scolded when i put a smiley face. i have veen trying to me optimistic. but do you really know? nope..








when will you change?
don't you know i have never given up hope? sigh-

Monday, October 10, 2005

whywontyoupickupmycall?
sigh. study half way why suddenly go jp? you go jp do what? why keep on go out with your friends one? me? just now keep want go home.. now got time you choose to spend it with friends.. my time? where is my time? why won't you rather spend the time with me.. sigh. you just do things you want and think that you are always right. and you leave me like a mad man calling you to find the answer from you.
can't stand you
can't stand your attitude
can't stand the meetings between you and your boy friend
lightning do not strike twice in the same spot
trust me and i will trust you
hurt me and i shall keep quiet
hang my phone again and that's it
you are really too much. you hurt me like no one esle did.
yet? i'm still madly in love with you.
cheers. nicol . you are officialy a jerk now. =) or should i say i was already once since we started out.
ha-ha. time? there won't be if we keep quarreling.
time? where's time when all you want is to go home and meet friends all the time.
make up for lost time? lol. promise to accompany me during holidays?
2 months of holidays. 60 days. let's wait and see how i get my time.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

i shall remain silent. i guess you have had enough of me. you are tired le. i won't complain anymore. silence. 2 days of bad mornings. 2 nights of apologies. but why? why the ignoring?

Sunday, October 02, 2005

why.. why must we quarrel all the time? can we stop the quarrelings? what happened to the things we promised each other before? where have them gone to. have them be forgotten? at least for my part they have not been forgotten. back to quarrel part. why. tell me. is there a point in quarreling all the time? you told me if i do not tell you things you will not feel like my stead. when i tell you will argue and thus end up quarreling with me. sigh. i wan to make u happy. make u the happiest girl in the world. but do i have the ability to? everytime i try i am face with new difficulties. i will say things which makes u angry. which you claimed are maligning you. but i don't even realise i am doing so. i do not even have the intention to make you feel maligned. but why. why am i not given the chance to explain. the chance to understand the situation. i'm feeling so lost. what shall i do in the future. to tell or not to tell. hai. it's all that hypocrite fault. hai. expected it. i don't dare. i really don't dare to say anything or do anything again. i will just be what u expect of me. to be your perfect stead. so that you will be happy eh? sigh. *stabs myself*
i will not believe you again! those words are harsh. do you know? how can you ever say such things. i said i everytime make u feel bad by doing things. but yet when i said i do not want to do already you still angry with me. lost. what should i do. everything every step every single fucking thing will be my fucking fault where i dun fucking get the understanding i need. all i do is malign accuse you. we shall see what happens when i keep quiet then.